Unexpected Realities

This morning, I'm sitting on the front porch with my laptop, trying to write an article for a grant foundation's annual report. They're paying me to write this article. I have an MFA in creative nonfiction now, and this is something that I should be able to do - hands down. And I can do it, and I will do it, and when it's finished, it will be a good, publishable piece of writing.

My process of writing is excruciatingly frustrating. Yesterday, while trying to transcribe an interview, I cried in the middle of the coffee shop. I really don't want to do this. I don't want to be a journalist.

This is fine. I don't have to be. I think I got into writing because I like to write theological reflections. I can do those. But I'm not writing. I do, however, have to write this article.

I'm not writing anything these days. I say I'm working on a book, but the book is conveniently on hold until this article is written. Then vacation will come. Then subbing yoga classes. I want to write that book this summer, but I'm not sure that it will happen. Ever.

To be honest - the joy of writing is gone for me, and has been for quite some time. I blame it on the MFA, just to have a scapegoat. I still like sentences, but right now I get more of a kick out of helping students write them than writing them myself. I wish I knew how to get the joy back.

Instead of joy, I have guilt. Guilt for not writing. Guilt for a degree that I don't know how to use. Guilt for not being as academic or as literary as some of my colleagues at the university. Guilt for having a whole summer of being unemployed and not waking up every morning to the page. Guilt for not being able to write "good enough." These are not new feelings, unfortunately. They're old feelings from other parts of my life, and they're spilling out into my writing self. Great. Now I get to deal with them here.

I think I get to deal with them like yoga: instead of being mad that I didn't do "a full hour of yoga" (who decides an hour is "full"?), I can celebrate that I sat on the mat last night when I couldn't sleep. "I made it to the mat!" I say to my Self, and Self and I have a small celebration.

Hey Self - this morning you wrote 192 words already on your article. What do you say?

Self stares at the other 1500 words to be written. Damn Self. Why do you always have to see the glass as mostly empty?

*

The other day I wrote a post about turning 30 and hallelujah. Most of the time, Self and I do feel that way about life. But sometimes... this is not where I expected to be at 30.

I don't think I expected to have a book published yet. I don't know when I thought that should happen. I don't think I expected kids yet. I did expect to be married (check). I didn't expect to have a house. To be grounded. (I'm not complaining... just... sorting through my head.)

I expected to be on the mission field with a job full of purpose and meaning. (Okay. That sentence just came as a surprise out of the deep, cloudy sky - yet I find that it rings true.) I guess I expected to be living uncomfortably in a different country on what felt more like a Louis L'Amour adventure.

When I left the ministry and theology to pursue writing, I didn't expect to lose my love of writing. I didn't expect that at 30 I would feel careerly-adrift, struggling with a summer of unemployment and free-lance while struggling even deeper with writing. Never mind that I can't go back, that I don't believe the "mission field" exists in the same clear-cut way I thought it did before I left.

In its own way, I suppose, this is an inner Louis L'Amour adventure. Self has been kidnapped by the bad guys of grouchy - and they are everywhere. Somewhere out there is one lone cowgirl named Joy, who appears to be Blondie's twin. I hope she finds me, guns a'blazin'.

30: All of these lines across my face...

...tell you the story of who I am...

Tonight Brandi Carlile performed outside downtown Pittsburgh as part of the Three Rivers Arts Festival. As she took the stage, she said it was probably the largest crowd she had ever performed for.

Nearly four years ago, in October of 2007, I saw her perform for about 100 people on Bigelow Boulevard, outside the Cathedral of Learning on Pitt's campus. At the time, I took her performance - which I could attend free, as a Pitt student - as a sign from God that I should live in Pittsburgh. Her first album, The Story, was soundtracking my move and adjustment to Pittsburgh.

...it's hard to let the miles pass me by...

I was lonely and didn't yet know anyone I could call and say, "hey, come see this no-name singer with me." So I walked to campus for the concert on the middle of a Saturday afternoon. She had already started performing when I arrived. I watched her last five songs from the sidelines - as much sidelines as there are when 100 people watch a concert in the middle of the street. The songs were love songs.

I walked home crying. Lucky thing it was through a park and no one saw.

I was 26 years old - "entering my late 20's," I remember telling my mother, who then said that 26 was too young to call "late 20's."

...wishing I was 10 again, so I could be your friend again...

On Monday, I will turn 30.

30.

This hasn't been a major mental deal for me. 2010 and 29 took care of that - with the marriage, the graduation, the no-longer-being-a-student, and the homeowning. Turning 30 just feels like it seals the deal: I'm an adult. No, more than that. I'm maturing, or something.

I suppose it also means admitting that I'm no longer 13, no longer wishing for my drivers license so I could drive to the pool instead of beg Mom for a ride.

...these days we go to waste like wine, turned to turpentine...

Tonight when Brandi took the stage, turning 30 started to gain significance. But I couldn't put my finger on it at first.

She was different. Different from Oct 2007, I mean. She looked... matured. I wish I knew a better word for it. Like she knew she was a little bit country and a little bit rock-n-roll. Like she knew who she was, and who she was belonged on that stage.

And I realized that her concert symbolized something in me, not her.

Who I am belonged...

...in the audience watching and singing along.

...dancing with one of my favorite two-year-olds during her rock-n-roll song.

...sitting on a blanket with Kylie, who is no longer a random existentialist.

...finding that that the random people who sat down next to us were people I knew from Pitt.

...in Pittsburgh.

In her encore, Brandi Carlile admitted to lately listening to songs of the 80's. She played a bit of Madonna, and a bit of "Forever Young." She's been listening to the 80's because she recently turned 30.

When she admitted that, Kylie whispered to me, "This is your birthday concert." I knew the lines next to his eyes, even as night crept over the city.

For her final song, Brandi Carlile sang, "Hallelujah" - the Leonard Cohen song, not the chorus.

...your faith was strong but you needed proof...

...it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah...

...the holy or broken Hallelujah..

Hallelujah.

Good Friday

Two years ago, you said you loved me.
Two thousand years ago, He said it too.

Books Read in 2010

This list seems shorter than usual, primarily because of the whole board game thing (see previous post). Other reasons: adjusting from student life to "regular life" (whatever that is). Writing books. And moving twice. Makes sense, no?

These are in no particular order.

Heat Wave by Richard Castle
Naked Heat by Richard Castle

The Outstretched Shadow by Mercedes Lackey and James Mallory
To Light a Candle by Mercedes Lackey and James Mallory
When Darkness Falls by Mercedes Lackey and James Mallory

Let Your Life Speak by Parker Palmer
A Hidden Wholeness by Parker Palmer

A Game of Thrones by George R.R. Martin
A Clash of Kings by George R.R. Martin
A Storm of Swords by George R.R. Martin
A Feast for Crows by George R.R. Martin

Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
The Pilot's Wife by Anita Shreve
On the Wings of a Dragon by Cora Taylor
The Mysteries of Pittsburgh by Michael Chabon
The Help by Kathryn Stockett
Lit by Mary Karr
The Situation and the Story by Vivian Gornick

Hordes of Business Books, including:
Bury My Heart at Conference Room B by Stan Slap
Good to Great by Jim Collins
Common Purpose by Joel Kurtzman
The Five Dysfunctions of a Team by Patrick Lencioni
Getting Naked by Patrick Lencioni
Death by Meeting by Patrick Lencioni

The Bedford Guide for Writing Tutors

Kylie is reading The Dark Tower Series aloud to me -
The Gunslinger by Steven King
The Drawing of the Three by Steven King
The Wastelands by Steven King
Wizard and Glass by Steven King


Started in 2010 and still reading...

The Subtle Body by Stefanie Syman
For the Time Being by Annie Dillard
Grace Eventually by Anne Lamott
God in Your Body by Jay Michaelson


Hmmm. This list seems pretty formidable to have a disclaimer at the beginning. Nice job, self!

2010: The Year of the Board Game

So, during the Snowpocalypse of February 2010, Kylie and I discovered that our love of board games ran several fathoms deep. It's been fun.

Since Kylie records every game we play on BoardGameGeek.com, I don't even have to guess what our top ten games were: I can look it up. Here, in order of most played, are the Top Ten Games Played in 2010.

1. Race for the Galaxy. A card game where you race to build your galaxy first. Probably my favorite. Wins the award for the second-most-complicated game to teach anyone (We've only taught one other person).

2. Dominion. A deck-building game that has taken the world by storm with a majorly new way of playing board games. A fast-paced card game, this game is just fun. Wins the award for the game that is closest-to-a-speed-game-that-Kylie-will-play. (I love speed games. Dutch Blitz, anyone?)

3. Small World. Kind of like Risk, you have to fight to take over the world. Unlike Risk, you only have eight or nine rounds to do it. In my book, this game wins the award for game with most punch-out pieces (my favorite!).

4. Alhambra. A tile-laying game where you try to build the best city with the most consistent wall. We bought the big box with five expansions, and when we play, we add a new element to the game each time. As a two-person game, it's a little weird because you play with a dummy third person we call Dirk. Wins the award for game where people can't mess with your stuff.

5. Carcassonne. A tile-laying game where you try to get the most points by building cities and roads. My other favorite game. Wins the award for easiest game to teach others. Also, the iPhone has a great interface for this game.

6. Forbidden Island. I'm not really sure how this game got on the list, other than that it plays quickly. Really, it's like a two-four person solitaire game where you have to save all the valuables before the island sinks away. Wins the award for game on the top ten list with most ambiguous feelings surrounding it.

7. Dominoes. So... before Kylie I had never realized that there is a REAL way of playing dominoes, and that stacking them all up in a line to knock them down is not it. Kylie knows the game so well that he knows which pieces I will play before I play them. Wins the award for the pieces of the game that are hardest to hold in my hand at once. (Honest - try holding five dominoes in your hand, all facing you.) Also wins the award for best smack talk with your mother-in-law.

8. Battlestar Galactica. The game that started our avalanche of board games. Can you get to Earth before any number of things goes wrong? Good luck! Wins the award for most complicated game ever + best psychology + longest time play + best board game based on a television series. Not for two players or small children due to sharp, essential pieces.

9. Voltage. A strange game where you and your opponent vie for fuses. Honest. Wins the award for strangest game (not to be confused with weirdest game: Summoner Wars, which did not make the top ten list even though it probably should have).

10. Citadels. A strange little card game where you change characters each round and get to thwart your opponent while he tries to build a citadel. Of course, he can also thwart you too, which gets to be a little vicious. Wins award for most psychological card game.


More than anything, I think this list testifies to why my book list for 2010 is so short! The narrative is in the game... we'll see what 2011 brings...

On Grandparents, Birthdays, and Anniversaries...

Today, my Grandma B is 85 years old. Yesterday, Grandpa Tony would have been 80 years old. Yesterday, I was glad Grandpa wasn't in pain anymore - that he could spend his birthday pain-free, wherever he is now. Today, I'm super sad he's not around to celebrate their 80-ness together.

Is it strange that I miss him more today, on Grandma's birthday, than I did yesterday on his birthday? I guess I don't think so. After it occurs, death seems to be harder on those left behind than those it takes. It's easy to celebrate Grandpa's life - it's harder to envision the hole he left behind in Grandma's life.

I'm not there to see the hole. In my memory, Grandpa still lives with Grandma, sitting in his chair and talking back at the televangelists and news anchors. In reality, he's not there. Through my mom, I know Grandma's doing okay, but she's a bit lonely. If I didn't know that my cat's claws would pierce through her clothes, I'd send her Coconut to keep her company.

Mom and Dad are with her today, sharing their 33rd anniversary with Grandma's 85th birthday. I'll send my love to Grandma through their hugs. I wonder what Grandma felt 33 years ago when they got married on her birthday? I doubt she cared too much - Grandma's not one to be too sentimental.

Grandpa was the sentimental one. Grandma, I think, is more even-keeled. (Brouwer Clan, you can correct me if I'm wrong. I just have long-distance perspective here.) I know they didn't have the greatest of relationships, but they sure did weather a lot of shit together. At the end of the day, there was love.

Last night, Kylie and I celebrated our first anniversary. A little early, but we've got some commitments on Sunday that prevent celebrating on the actual day. We don't mind. We're both pretty darn sappy, and celebrating whenever was fine with us. We've had a wonderful first year filled with a ton of change; moving twice, buying a house, celebrating the end of the MFA, and saying goodbye to Grandpa were the biggest changes, I suppose. We enjoy each other's presence through all the changes, and for that I'm so incredibly thankful.

It's humbling to see people - my parents and grandparents (on both sides, really) - so far ahead of us on the journey. Along the way, I want the stubborn love my grandparents had, and I want the play my parents have (Dad still pulls Mom into the pantry when we're home). We're definitely blessed with models of lasting marriages!

Geesh - okay - deep thoughts on a Friday morning! All the birthdays and anniversaries got me thinking, I guess. It's a good season for remembering and celebrating life. I'm so thankful for my grandmother's life, for the faith she's passing on, and for 85 years on this planet. And I'm thankful for the gift of knowing how to crochet doilies and potholders.

Happy Birthday, Grandma!
Happy Anniversary, Mom & Dad!

Love to you all...

Thinking

When I teach on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I often run into AW in the Cathedral of Learning. Whenever I walk away from AW, I'm always stunned by how much actually goes on in my brain, and how much of it just came pouring out of my mouth.

I'm not quite sure if it's AW's listening ear that incites this, or the fact that AW sees me at the beginning and in the middle of long days that have entirely too many people interactions in them. In an effort to keep my mind free to process the interactions, everything else just comes tumbling out. Or perhaps AW is just that trustworthy (she is).

On any given day, these are the things that mingle in my mind:
-the aims of education
-the explosion of conversation about race and culture that happened in my classroom
-something about yoga (my research or my practice)
-my relationship with the church
-musings about marriage
-the business market research that I might be doing
-the difficulties of writing someone else's book in a genre you don't know
-how to tutor an esl student effectively
-Kylie's latest favorite board game
-anything about God
-being tired
-students who don't turn in essays
-students who keep me after class to wax philosophically
-the state of the mfa program / new hires
-reconciling missions with God
-job hunts

When these bouts of logorrhea occur, I'm struck by just how much I think about in such different areas (right now the big topics are: education, business, religion, yoga, & relationships). Then I realize three things:

1) how hard I am on myself in all of the above topics
2) how much nicer I need to be to myself about my thinking because I really am juggling a lot of thought real estate
3) I need to chill out.

And then, generally, I do chill out. So, thanks, AW, for the subconscious reminder to chill out. Profuse apologies for distracting you from your work. :) Thanks for listening.